love & hate

-creative (I know)

i undo hard work for the few moments where i think something good can come of it. nothing new will come, and nothing will surprise me. maybe i can convince myself that there’s a future to this, and there’s something along this path in the future, but i’m fairly certain that there isn’t.

so why do i do it? why do i act without thinking? why do i walk away from the comfort of possibility and instead choose predictable nothingness. this sounds very sylvia plath. but maybe for her a the few seconds of happiness were worth the months of desperation and sadness. i don’t know why i’m speaking for one of the greatest poets of all time, but i don’t feel like what you gain is always worth what you put in. sometimes its disappointing. so even though i try to stop putting anything in, i fail. i’m too jumbled up for words right now, nothings clear, except for what i’m doing wrong.

i guess i get to a point though, were i know staying in the same place is hopeless. i thought that maybe people would come around and that things would fix themselves if i continued doing what i was doing. things don’t change without a little push though. and people don’t suddenly come around to an idea that’s been in front of them all along. and if we keep waiting and acting as if someone is going to come along, we’ll miss out.

when i used to run, i know that pushing myself a little bit more would ultimately make me a better runner in the end. doing nothing, and putting in the minimal amount of effort gets me (and got me) nowhere. pushing through the pain is what’s gonna shave off those few seconds. and when i think about it later, i’ll say its worth it.

ask me at the time, and i’ll say it isn’t worth it at all. i’ll tell you all the wishing/wanting will pay off, and i’ll tell you that if i don’t push now, it doesn’t mean i won’t improve. and i’ll know they’re both lies. holding on to the idea that something is going to happen isn’t necessarily bad. but when it comes to a point where it’s tearing you apart to hold on anymore, its time to let go.

i have tried to follow my own advice before, and i’ve failed. i can barely stick to a to-do list, and following matters of the heart have never proved less challenging. but in the hopes that what we do now will help us later, i’m gonna push a little harder.

i sort of expect people to always give me sympathy and be on my side for things. when they aren’t i guess I subconsciously convince myself that they are. so when someone said something a bit against what i was used to hearing, it threw me off. maybe because it didn’t have its usual sugar-coating. maybe because it was so the opposite of what i even expected.

it made me think though… was i pathetic? when did i cross the point of being in just a bad situation with no end to being… ‘pathetic’. as with most words that sting, i look them up in the dictionary. maybe i like the full definition of a word i’ve been called. a few different definitions of the word came up. some a little less mean, some just downright sad. was i “heartbreaking and heartrending” or was i “inadequate”?

when does putting someone before yourself seem pathetic? maybe when its to the point that you’re hurting yourself. maybe its the continuation of monotony and disappointment. but enough of a reason to stop that it is, is it possible? how can we do things that might be better for us in the long run if they hurt so much now. how can something be so hard, painful, and emotional and… pathetic?

maybe if its pathetic its time to stop. and maybe if its pathetic, it’s going to be hard. but in the long run, maybe its better to feel everything now instead of feeling pathetic.

today when i walked into my dorm, i saw a couple outside. they looked comfortable, and they weren’t in any way being obscene. i still was surprised by them, that they felt comfortable enough with each other that they could watch everyone around them as well as accept the idea of being watched.

last time i saw outside on those benches, i was crying. i wasn’t just sitting out there because crying in the fresh air seemed especially intriguing. at first it was the convenience of the location but then it became to late in the conversation to disrupt it by moving. i guess with everything else that was going through my head, i didn’t really want to think about the way people were looking at me. instead i was concerned with myself and the conversation before me.

despite the fact that i was crying, staring at the ground, and looking truly pathetic, i wasn’t bothered by the fact that on the benches directly across from me, there was another set of people smoking and probably talking about their day and homework, and everything else that is worth talking about on a bench on a busy street. i’m sure they saw us, though i was the one to see. maybe they’ll mention it to their friends, and wonder why someone would sit crying on a bench with someone else.

i guess that maybe talks about life or relationships or sore subjects really don’t belong in the company of strangers. as out of line as at feels to see other people in their weakest states (or in their most disguised) maybe it is more out of line to present yourself in front of them that way. there isn’t really any way to keep feelings in check, but maybe there’s a better way to hide when we watch other people. they probably won’t notice anyway.

its been a while since there has been a note. i usually only write a note in which i feel incredible conflicted, hurt, or thankful. maybe this time its one of those. lets see, the last note, probably from august sometime, might convey the exact same tone, although i hope that change can be seen even in my writing habits. i have my doubts though.

i don’t know exactly what to say, or even what i want to say. maybe i don’t want to say anything, and just type type type away, and enjoy the click-k-k of the keys. but i think i really do want to say something.

it might be hard waiting for something thats coming. maybe the harder part is that you don’t know whats coming or even though you might not know, you know its something bad. as you know, impatience is not an attractive trait, but sometimes there are traits that you have, that aren’t attractive either.

so for a while, i guess i’ll re-tie the bows on your present, and pick up the dust that i can see on the floor. i’ll pack for model un, where i have a bright yellow skirt with black stockings, and wear it as if you knew the colors. perhaps the closet needs reorganizing, even though we all know that it couldn’t be more in order. in truth, its all to pass the time. time for me to think, maybe time for you to think.

but think about what? replay things in my mind? relive moments from the summer in which i was a little bit more certain of things? maybe imagine messina, with pizza sauce on my face, and an ephemeral best friend. or i suppose i can bring myself back to lyndonville, with everything i could ever need, but you can only stay in a place like that for a small stretch of time. and other than that, you’re gone, back, to what you were before, in much the same mood.

i can only wait. and pretend until then, that everything was just as perfect as i thought it was less that 3 days ago.